Wednesday, April 17, 2013

When I’m 64 …


Will you still need me,

Will you still feed me,

When I’m 64.


The answer is yes.


I still needed you

I still fed you

When you were 64.


Now, at 64 and your widow, 

I miss you my dear husband Mark, very much, every single day.


This morning I felt energized after hearing a tune by Tom Petty (below), and had already decided that I wanted to get out and trim the driveway of overhang and stuff spreading out into it.  So, out I went. gathered my tools and got going.  I even did the huge schefflera at the corner. And when I did that I was thrilled.  I used the little tree say that DH had bought me a few years back and when the largest section fell to the ground I punched my arm into the air and said ‘yes, I did it.’ 





Grief has a way of making you feel so down and helpless. You have lost the other half of yourself, you don’t see how you can go on without them beside you.  But, as a believer in Jesus/God, I know I can go on and am going on with His love and strength.  My dear husband is with me too, I just can’t see him, or feel him, or hug and kiss him, but he is still a very large part of my life. God brought us together, and we are only temporarily separated. I still wear my wedding ring, I still feel married. I love Mark more and more with each passing day.

God is drawing me closer to Him in my grief, and my love for Him is growing stronger and I am thankful for all of His many blessings.

I am a believer in God who loves and enjoys rock-n-roll, the blues, and more. We loved lots of different kinds of music. Music spoke to our hearts and souls. This morning when I came across “I Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty, I was reminded me of Mark and I am so glad he always stood for truth, and spoke what he felt and thought.

The guitar music in these tunes reminds me of Mark’s playing his guitar.

He played the drums and bass guitar when we first met,  then played acoustic while we lived in Spain and got an electric guitar after we came back home to the states. He also played harmonica. Through the years we had our own jam sessions right here in our little cottage with guitar, harmonica, and I played a Melodia piano, a tiny keyboard that you blow into, and a little on harmonica too, plus another keyboard, I also sang. I miss those times, but the wonderful, fun memories are locked in my heart. We will make sweet music again one day in the ‘huge jam session in the sky’.

Here are some more tunes if you care to listen, if not just pass them by.

I Shot the Sheriff by Eric Clapton.

A real favorite of DH.

I heard this song soon after Mark left this planet and it touched my heart deeply, tears were streaming as I was driving down the road. It is called ‘Even If’~ by Kutless, a Christian group.

Here is a favorite of ours, which I will close this music portion with.

‘Somewhere in heaven’ by Carlos Santana.



is Forever

Us 15Jan

Never take a day or your love for granted.



Gardener on Sherlock Street said...

Music does so much for the heart!
Love the photo of you two.

HolleyGarden said...

What a sweet post, and an adorable picture of you two. Music and songs just have a way of speaking to us, and conveying so much emotion in just a few notes or verses. You did a lot of work! You should definitely feel very proud of yourself.

Marti said...

I have never seen a schefflera that big! Is there anything that won't grow for you? ;)

I know that each day that passes, and each new thing conquered will make you stronger. What amazes and encourages me with you is that you are becoming stronger without becoming hard. Sometimes becoming a widow and facing the loneliness does that to people. I'm sure he is so proud of you.

Leslie said...

What a nice picture of the two of you. You look so happy and comfortable together--it's obvious you are best friends.

tina said...

What a wonderful picture of you and your husband. You still look the same except for the hair color. My hair is white too which happens as we age I reckon. Your husband would be proud of you clearing that driveway. It looks good!

Ruth's Photo Blog said...

I am so glad to hear of your stedfast faith.Even with a strong faith,going through grid is not easy.May you find renewed strength each day to carry on.

Terra said...

Your words are so true, and I love the songs you selected, starting with I Won't Back Down. You had a surge of power doing all that hard pruning, I can see.
"When with the ransomed in glory, His face I at last shall see,
Twill be my joy through the ages,
To sing of His love for me."
I think that is what your dear hubby is doing now up in heaven.

Rose ~ from Oz said...

A poignant glimpse into the wonderful and varied life you and your DH shared together. Your pain is so raw I can feel it through your writing Lorraine.
Cheers to you for tackling that tree! You've inspired me to get my (new) tree saw out and tackle my overgrown Geisha Girl bush, but there's bumble bees in it - seemingly all of the time! A night time tree felling session perhaps?
I forgot to mention that the frangipani in your header looks as though its the one with the intoxicating perfume.

Sunray Gardens said...

You will continue to do what is necessary and be surprised at what you can accomplish on your own.
Cher Sunray Gardens

Anonymous said...

Such an emotionally loaded post ~ sorrow, strength (good job trimming the schefflera), remembrance and faith. When you add the sound of music, I'm pretty sure you touch on a vast array of emotions. . . which I imagine you're feeling on a daily basis.

I always love seeing photos of you and Mark ~ thanks for sharing.



Sallysmom said...

A wonderful post and extra wonderful picture of the two of you.

Annie said...

Musos...I should have known. Love the last pick! You were so lucky to have had a mate that you loved so much and he you!

Betsy Adams said...

This post made me sad and happy... I'm sad because your husband is no longer by your side PHYSICALLY --but I'm happy that you have so many great memories. Love your thought --about the wonderful life you two had together... God Bless You, Lorraine.

You certainly did a great job of cleaning up around the driveway... Wow--lots of work!!!!


Lona said...

To lean on God in our times of sorrow is so comforting and does strengthen us. Healing for sorrow takes time but one day unexpectedly the memories become treasures and not as painful to remember and you hold them close in your heart.
I am a child of God too that loves all kinds of music. Music brings back memories, encourages us at times and can bring happiness. I love uplifting music. The Kutless song is beautiful.
Have a wonderful week my friend and prayers.

It's Just Dottie said...

I love your music. It is also my music. Such a lovely photo of you and your beloved. You looked so cute.
Hugs, Dottie

flowerlady said...

Yet again a lovely post,I have just completed a End of Life course and was actually thinking of you as I completed my last assignment.You never lose your true friends and people use different things to help them with their grief.I think you have some wonderful friends and support from people you didn't know before this part of your journey. I am sure you realise everyone is there for you x

Nancy J said...

Lorraine, your inner strength shows in your words, and physical strength,in the garden work, saws,chopping, cutting, trimming, wood work and all else.Ditto to the lovely words from Lona.Keep close to each one of us.Love,from over the oceans, from Jean

Sandy said...

Dear Sweet Friend,
How I love to visit you and find that your strength and joy are growing in spite of your circumstances! I know your dear Mark is watching and is so proud of you, too. Of course our Lord is too, and He counts most of all. You can do all things through Him.
Your music selection is a good one. I love it, too. I am especially fond of Kutless and have several of their CD's. I highly recommend Fernando Ortega! His music has encouraged me through the hard years we have gone through.
Love you~

Jane said...

You really are amazing, Rainey! Love your music. Won't Back Down has been running through my mind a lot lately, only the Johnny Cash version.

Becky said...

Wonderful post! Enjoyed the music! I'm off work tomorrow and may try to tackle some of my very own jungle. MAN ALIVE things are growing like crazy!~


I LOVE the photo of you and Mark together. What a beautiful couple you ARE.

Music is a strong trigger for memory isn't it? And the emotions surrounding those memories. I'm glad you're remembering and sharing your times with Mark with us. It's a joy to read about them.

Wow that sheflera--what a dandy plant. You done good! I have a hand saw that works really well too. I always pride myself on being able to tackle those major pruning jobs.

Cheers, my friend.

sweetbay said...

Wonderful picture of the two of you. I'm sure Mark is proud of you!

Morning's Minion said...

So many elements in this post--all coming together in a message of faith and hope in spite of grief and loss.

Autumn Belle said...

Such sweet remembrance and touching memories of the days with the hero of your heart. Brave lady, Mark will always be there for you, looking after you like a Guardian and Garden Angel. Thanks for showing us the lovely photo of you and Mark together. Both of you look very rugged and hippy cowboy!

NellJean said...

Visiting your secret garden and seeing the caravan are two of my favorite things on your blog.

He-Who-Mows likes Spiderwort, too. When it gets raggy, I cut it to the ground and it comes right back. You have to get up early to fully enjoy its blooms.

Music has charms to comfort. Enjoy.