Words cannot express how much all of your comments have touched me, deeply. The tears have been streaming down my cheeks as I’ve read them. I feel the love and support from all of you. The path doesn’t seem so dark and bleak, I don’t feel so alone. I want to read DH all of your comments but of course I can’t. He would be touched too.
It is 10:21 p.m. and I am getting very sleepy. I’ve been up since a little after two this morning. My friend Nanci took me out to do some things today, and we had lunch together at a nice little restaurant. This place fixes such ‘huge’ portions, so that I have enough for probably two more meals. It was good having her company, love and friendship. We talked about DH and I cried some more.
This has been quite the experience. The three months or so of caretaking of him made me think of others who do this when loved ones are ill or dying. It is hard, on you mentally, spiritually and physically. I wanted to make him better with all my heart and being. We did not know DH was dying, we thought he was going to get better. We thought he just had a damaged trap. muscle and that it was going to take time to heal. We had no idea that he had cancer, I found that out after the MRI and he coded and went home to his maker. I was shocked. I’m glad we didn’t know before hand, because we lived this time with hope in our hearts, even though he was getting weaker and weaker. He wanted to go and I had to let him go. It was hard.
Your love, prayers and support have helped me much today. They have given me strength to take each moment as it comes along.
After visiting other blogs and seeing the Christmas trees and other Christmas decorations, I decided to set up and decorate the ‘funky’ little tree we found on Sept. 4th. This was after the horrific cramping in his neck, but he was still getting around. He had me pull over to the side of the road because he wanted to check out some stuff curbside on the other side of the street. While I was sitting there, I looked in the rearview mirror and couldn’t believe I saw what looked like a Christmas tree in the trash cans set out on my side of the street. I hadn’t seen that when we drove past. I jumped out of the car and walked back there to see and lo and behold, it was a whole tree, sitting beside the cans. I loved it and call it my ‘Charlie Brown’ Christmas tree. This was our last curbside shopping trip together.
Here it is decorated with ornaments that are all handmade from ornie swaps at a forum called Country Life that I used to go to. It was a great little place with wonderful friendships made, but life happens, people moved on, and the place changed so I moseyed on off too.
We bought a string of LED lights last year, and in photos the blues are what is dominant, but in real life they aren’t. Weird. I used an angel bear for the top of the tree, it works for me.
Get a load of this, before I started decorating, I thought I’m going to try the a.c. one more time. (Remember it pooped out, fan stopped working the end of August or Sept.) Well, it’s been working fine for several hours now. I can’t believe it. So, I did the decorating in cool comfort. I have been sweating all day as it is very warm and humid down here, plus it’s probably from my stress too. DH would like the tree this year. He always liked what I did, he wasn’t into decorating himself, so left it up to me. We have at least 4 different size trees now, so I can take my pick depending on my mood of the season. I think we bought two, and found the other two curbside.
I sure do miss his love and encouragement. His twinkle, his laugh, hearing his voice. I felt at peace decorating. I listened to a CD called Troubadour of the Great King, sang along and here I am. I look forward to waking up tomorrow to see the tree, to start a new day, trusting in God to be with me as I do what needs doing.
Thank you all again from my heart.
Love and hugs ~ FlowerLady Lorraine
May Peace be your gift at Christmas
and your blessing all year through!